The head bone is connected to the neck bone

About a year ago the bone in my lower jaw started showing through my gums. This was a result of the bone treatments I received for my cancer. ( needles to say, they stopped administering it when this happened) Without my knowing it slowly became infected. I didn't find this out til about 3 months ago. I was put on medicine and told that it cleared up. Another month later it was back. This time not only infecting my gums but my left back molar as well.
Last month that molar became so bad, in spite of medications that I had to undergo surgery to have it removed. They put me under anesthesia and did their best to cover the bone that was showing as well as pull the tooth.
I awoke to hear that everything had gone as planned. But that they found an infection in my bones. They connected me with infectious diseases and had me make an appointment.
I was given the choice to a) drive to the office everyday and receive a treatment through my port for a month. Or, b) get clearance from insurance to administer the drug myself at home for a month.
Obviously, I chose option b. They sent it through insurance, who, thank God, cleared it. The next day, which was yesterday, I went in and was shown how to give myself the iv meds.
I'm so blessed that my hubby is able to help me and take care of Johnny while I get treatment. I'm truly blessed! It's going to be a long month, and I'm praying that I have no side effects.
Thank you everyone for standing with me and helping me through this. :) I apologize for not keeping you all updated like I used too. I've been very busy with my 3 year old who is now potty trained! One of the many events that have kept me really busy!
By the way, I see my doctor and receive tests every three months now! So I'm definitely headed in the right direction!

Unfinished Dreams

Before I was married I was in college going for my associates and nursing degrees. I was 2 classes from completing my associates when I became pregnant and told to hold off on taking them. My counselor was worried that the chemicals used in physiology and anatomy 2 and microbiology would be bad for the baby. So I waited...

During that time of waiting I got married and moved to Wisconsin. My son was born and we moved into our first home. All thoughts of going back to college were put on the back burner. We just didn't have enough money for child care. Plus, my husband was also in graduate school. We just couldn't support childcare and both of is in college at the same time. It just want possible. So I put my dreams of being a nurse on hold and took on the roll off stay at home mom. And I have to say, I've been truly blessed and I love it!

About a year and a half a go, I went to a college that's maybe 20 minutes from my home just to talk to a counselor about returning to school. It turned out that I met a lot of the requirements for classes. I was down to a year of classes and clinicals for my RN degree. In fact I could start clinical right away! I went home so excited and filled with purpose. But once again the issue of child care reared its ugly head. Again my dream was put aside.

Right on the heels of that, I was diagnosed with stage 4 non small cell lung cancer which had metastasized to my brain and bones. Now not only could I not continue my RN degree, but my husband couldn't finish his master's. Yet again my dream was pushed back. But this time it seemed like it would never happen.

Sitting here today, I will admit that I still feel like it never will come to fruition. Yet the dream still burns strongly inside me! Everyday I have to remind myself that God gives us the desires of our hearts. And that there is still time for my dream to come true. I just need to trust, pray, and believe.

How to prepare

When it comes to my cancer, I know that God and I have it beat. But still I can't help but be a little pessimistic sometimes. My doctor said that this cancer will eventually kill me. Whether it's a year from now, or 50.
God forbid it should be sooner, rather than later. The question comes up, how do I prepare my son for the day mommy might not be here anymore?
It's such a difficult question to not only ask but answer as well.
My heart breaks at the thought of not being around to see my son grow up. Or being able to grow old with my husband.
I guess the only thing I can do is keep trusting God that his plans are to prosper me and not harm me. I have to keep believing that with God, I've got this beat! Not just for a couple years, but forever.

CT results

Yesterday I had a CT scan of my lungs. Last time it showed a bloop of something in the lower section. The ct yesterday showed no change in size or shape so the Dr thinks it's fluid. Thank God!
On another note, I'm sure I've mentioned before that my hubby and I would like to adopt kids. So, we started looking into it about a week ago.
Today Keith asked the doctor for his opinion. The Dr's reply was not one I wanted to hear... "wait a year, until you've been on the chemo pill for 2 years. If things haven't changed for the worse then look into adoption."
That means my son will be 3, going on 4, before we can do anything. :( on the upside he'll be potty trained by then, so I'll only have one person to diaper. :)
It's difficult to be patient but, God promises that all things work for good. And He knows the plans he has for us. That means I need to be patient and trust in the Lord.

The Motivation Problem

For over a month now I have been feeling severely unmotivated. Depressingly, so... After about 3 weeks I told my doctor how I was feeling. His solution, Ritalin.
(Apparently, in cancer patients it has a strong effect on motivation.)

So how goes it? Well I've been on it for a week and some days I'm rearing to go. But days, like today, I'm back to zero motivation. Now it could be partially weather related. (It is 10 below zero outside) but that only explains the things that require going out of doors. It doesn't explain my not wanting to clean or play.

I was considering calling my doctor when they beat me to it! I talked with the head nurse, explaining all my sleeping habits and medicine habits. After all that was gone over, she suggested staying on the Ritalin for one more week. If I don't see any results, then they'll consider upping my dose.

I'm not really sure how I feel about that. However, I have come to realize that anything that can help motivate me out of this slump is worth it.

Baby on the Brain

I'm sure you all remember when I posted the really downer news that my doctors said I'll most likely never have any more kids.
That devastated me...

As treatments continued, I learned that eggs could be frozen for future use. I felt totally jipped. Why hadn't they told me about that before starting treatments? I would have jumped at the chance!! Having kids has been so important to me! My whole life, I've dreamed of hearing 4 pairs of little feet running around my house.

Well now that I'm  98% clear of my cancer, after a little less than a year, I wonder if that option is open to me again. It's something I strongly feel asking my doctor about.

As I've said before, why would God give this dream to me, and also the same to my loving husband, only to take it away?

God knows my hopes and dreams, and I trust Him with them. Even so, I ask that you all pay with me that somehow my dream of more kids will be realized!
Thank you all! Love you! God bless :)

Incredible Results

The other day I had a CT off my lungs and an MRI of my head. Today was results day complete with before and after pictures.
The news: I'm 98% clear in both my brain and lungs! Again the doctor was amazed at the results. He said it was great news especially considering that I haven't been treated for a full year yet.
I looked at him and repeated what I tell him at the end of every appointment, "I told you I have this thing beat!".
All I can do is thank God for his blessings and healing hand! With Him ALL things are possible. And by His stripes we ARE healed! (Wish I knew the verses)
Of course I have all of you too thank too. For standing by me in prayer. For fighting alongside me in this battle. Without your prayers and support I don't where I'd be.

The fight may not be over, but we're on the winning side!

Hairy Disappointed

Today I decided to take a peek at the back of my head using a small compact mirror and the bathroom mirror. What I saw shocked me... reflecting back at me was a head sporting thick patches here and there with thin hair in between. Still with the 3rd eye Keith used to tease me about. I had been told that my hair was becoming thick and full in the back by several people.

Looking at the back of my head I wondered if they really could have been referring to me. I'm not going to lie. The thought did cross my mind that maybe they lied. But these were people I trusted... why would they lie?

Society has put so much pressure on people to look a certain way. Your clothes must be on trend. Shoes must be stylish. Make up and nails just so. And hair must be coiffed perfectly. What does that make in the end but an empty shell? Still it is nice to have all those ducks in a row. Who wouldn't want to be stylish and trendy in every way?

Still, I always have, and always will be, a firm believer in the saying, "what's inside counts more than the outside". The inside of a person is, and should be, weighed more heavily. Judged more closely. For that is where true inner beauty lies.

Even so, it's still difficult for me not to get caught up in the hype. I want to have hair! I want to be able to do all the trendy hair styles I see in magazines, TV, and stores I frequent. I want beautiful, flowing locks to use trendy new hair products on.

When I went through full brain radiation, I was told my hair may never grow back. I can at least acknowledge that I am blessed to have hair growing back, no matter how bad it may look.

I'm just waiting for the day when I have hair to be proud of again. Although, I'm doing it rather impatiently it seems. (Something me and God need to work on.) I need to remember that good things come to those who wait.

Hoping for Hair

Got my hair cut today for the second time!
Nothing has changed hair wise. Yet...

The lady who cut my hair today told me about a client she has. This client had a difficult time getting her hair to grow back after chemo. But she found this vitamin next to men's rogain that helped her hair come back full and thick.
The hairdresser told me the results were incredible! So, I went to the store and picked myself up a box. Took my first dose earlier this evening!
Now I wait. There's 60 tablets all total. So it should take approx 2 months... right? I guess we'll see.

The Joy's of Being Pampered

I'm 29 and up until a few days ago I've never had a Manicure/pedicure. How I managed to go so long without succumbing to this time old ritual, I have no idea. So what prompted me to get one recently? Well, I've heard that they feel fantastic, for one. For 2, I felt like being adventurous and trying something new. People are constantly telling me that I should take some time to pamper myself. I figured what better way to accomplish all that than by getting a mani/pedi .

So, I asked my husbands boss if she could recommend a place. I called the recommended salon up and made my appointment! I waited excitedly for the day to arrive. I was excited to see what all the fuss what about, because all I've ever heard is how wonderful they are. The day finally arrived and I felt a thrill of excitement go through me as I typed in the address to my GPS. I arrived right on time. Walking through the door of the salon, I was impressed. I expected it to smell like nail polish. But instead it smelled of lotions and perfumes. I sat on an overly stuffed chair sipping a glass of water when the lady came to take me for my pedicure. I'm sure you all know what goes on during one, so I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say, I enjoyed it a lot! Next were the finger nails. The lady cut them and shaped them. Painted them and then told me to let them dry. I asked how long and she gave an indifferent reply. I sat there at the table alone in the room, staring at my nails... Finally, I couldn't stand the waiting any longer and I made my way to the receptionist. I paid, what I felt, was an outrageous amount of money. All they did was massage my feet and hands and paint my nails!

I went out to my car. Got inside. Put my seatbelt on. And in doing so, I ruined on of my nails! I hadn't even left the parking lot and I had ruined my manicure!

This is what I concluded: mani/Pedi's are really nice for special occasions. But ridiculous to get on a regular basis. I thoroughly enjoyed being pampered, but I would rather spend $6 bucks on nail polish and paint my own nails, than shell out that kind of cash for something that doesn't even last.