How to prepare

When it comes to my cancer, I know that God and I have it beat. But still I can't help but be a little pessimistic sometimes. My doctor said that this cancer will eventually kill me. Whether it's a year from now, or 50.
God forbid it should be sooner, rather than later. The question comes up, how do I prepare my son for the day mommy might not be here anymore?
It's such a difficult question to not only ask but answer as well.
My heart breaks at the thought of not being around to see my son grow up. Or being able to grow old with my husband.
I guess the only thing I can do is keep trusting God that his plans are to prosper me and not harm me. I have to keep believing that with God, I've got this beat! Not just for a couple years, but forever.

CT results

Yesterday I had a CT scan of my lungs. Last time it showed a bloop of something in the lower section. The ct yesterday showed no change in size or shape so the Dr thinks it's fluid. Thank God!
On another note, I'm sure I've mentioned before that my hubby and I would like to adopt kids. So, we started looking into it about a week ago.
Today Keith asked the doctor for his opinion. The Dr's reply was not one I wanted to hear... "wait a year, until you've been on the chemo pill for 2 years. If things haven't changed for the worse then look into adoption."
That means my son will be 3, going on 4, before we can do anything. :( on the upside he'll be potty trained by then, so I'll only have one person to diaper. :)
It's difficult to be patient but, God promises that all things work for good. And He knows the plans he has for us. That means I need to be patient and trust in the Lord.

The Motivation Problem

For over a month now I have been feeling severely unmotivated. Depressingly, so... After about 3 weeks I told my doctor how I was feeling. His solution, Ritalin.
(Apparently, in cancer patients it has a strong effect on motivation.)

So how goes it? Well I've been on it for a week and some days I'm rearing to go. But days, like today, I'm back to zero motivation. Now it could be partially weather related. (It is 10 below zero outside) but that only explains the things that require going out of doors. It doesn't explain my not wanting to clean or play.

I was considering calling my doctor when they beat me to it! I talked with the head nurse, explaining all my sleeping habits and medicine habits. After all that was gone over, she suggested staying on the Ritalin for one more week. If I don't see any results, then they'll consider upping my dose.

I'm not really sure how I feel about that. However, I have come to realize that anything that can help motivate me out of this slump is worth it.

Baby on the Brain

I'm sure you all remember when I posted the really downer news that my doctors said I'll most likely never have any more kids.
That devastated me...

As treatments continued, I learned that eggs could be frozen for future use. I felt totally jipped. Why hadn't they told me about that before starting treatments? I would have jumped at the chance!! Having kids has been so important to me! My whole life, I've dreamed of hearing 4 pairs of little feet running around my house.

Well now that I'm  98% clear of my cancer, after a little less than a year, I wonder if that option is open to me again. It's something I strongly feel asking my doctor about.

As I've said before, why would God give this dream to me, and also the same to my loving husband, only to take it away?

God knows my hopes and dreams, and I trust Him with them. Even so, I ask that you all pay with me that somehow my dream of more kids will be realized!
Thank you all! Love you! God bless :)

Incredible Results

The other day I had a CT off my lungs and an MRI of my head. Today was results day complete with before and after pictures.
The news: I'm 98% clear in both my brain and lungs! Again the doctor was amazed at the results. He said it was great news especially considering that I haven't been treated for a full year yet.
I looked at him and repeated what I tell him at the end of every appointment, "I told you I have this thing beat!".
All I can do is thank God for his blessings and healing hand! With Him ALL things are possible. And by His stripes we ARE healed! (Wish I knew the verses)
Of course I have all of you too thank too. For standing by me in prayer. For fighting alongside me in this battle. Without your prayers and support I don't where I'd be.

The fight may not be over, but we're on the winning side!

Hairy Disappointed

Today I decided to take a peek at the back of my head using a small compact mirror and the bathroom mirror. What I saw shocked me... reflecting back at me was a head sporting thick patches here and there with thin hair in between. Still with the 3rd eye Keith used to tease me about. I had been told that my hair was becoming thick and full in the back by several people.

Looking at the back of my head I wondered if they really could have been referring to me. I'm not going to lie. The thought did cross my mind that maybe they lied. But these were people I trusted... why would they lie?

Society has put so much pressure on people to look a certain way. Your clothes must be on trend. Shoes must be stylish. Make up and nails just so. And hair must be coiffed perfectly. What does that make in the end but an empty shell? Still it is nice to have all those ducks in a row. Who wouldn't want to be stylish and trendy in every way?

Still, I always have, and always will be, a firm believer in the saying, "what's inside counts more than the outside". The inside of a person is, and should be, weighed more heavily. Judged more closely. For that is where true inner beauty lies.

Even so, it's still difficult for me not to get caught up in the hype. I want to have hair! I want to be able to do all the trendy hair styles I see in magazines, TV, and stores I frequent. I want beautiful, flowing locks to use trendy new hair products on.

When I went through full brain radiation, I was told my hair may never grow back. I can at least acknowledge that I am blessed to have hair growing back, no matter how bad it may look.

I'm just waiting for the day when I have hair to be proud of again. Although, I'm doing it rather impatiently it seems. (Something me and God need to work on.) I need to remember that good things come to those who wait.

Hoping for Hair

Got my hair cut today for the second time!
Nothing has changed hair wise. Yet...

The lady who cut my hair today told me about a client she has. This client had a difficult time getting her hair to grow back after chemo. But she found this vitamin next to men's rogain that helped her hair come back full and thick.
The hairdresser told me the results were incredible! So, I went to the store and picked myself up a box. Took my first dose earlier this evening!
Now I wait. There's 60 tablets all total. So it should take approx 2 months... right? I guess we'll see.