Wednesday, December 17, 2014

How to prepare

When it comes to my cancer, I know that God and I have it beat. But still I can't help but be a little pessimistic sometimes. My doctor said that this cancer will eventually kill me. Whether it's a year from now, or 50.
God forbid it should be sooner, rather than later. The question comes up, how do I prepare my son for the day mommy might not be here anymore?
It's such a difficult question to not only ask but answer as well.
My heart breaks at the thought of not being around to see my son grow up. Or being able to grow old with my husband.
I guess the only thing I can do is keep trusting God that his plans are to prosper me and not harm me. I have to keep believing that with God, I've got this beat! Not just for a couple years, but forever.

Friday, December 12, 2014

CT results

Yesterday I had a CT scan of my lungs. Last time it showed a bloop of something in the lower section. The ct yesterday showed no change in size or shape so the Dr thinks it's fluid. Thank God!
On another note, I'm sure I've mentioned before that my hubby and I would like to adopt kids. So, we started looking into it about a week ago.
Today Keith asked the doctor for his opinion. The Dr's reply was not one I wanted to hear... "wait a year, until you've been on the chemo pill for 2 years. If things haven't changed for the worse then look into adoption."
That means my son will be 3, going on 4, before we can do anything. :( on the upside he'll be potty trained by then, so I'll only have one person to diaper. :)
It's difficult to be patient but, God promises that all things work for good. And He knows the plans he has for us. That means I need to be patient and trust in the Lord.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The Motivation Problem

For over a month now I have been feeling severely unmotivated. Depressingly, so... After about 3 weeks I told my doctor how I was feeling. His solution, Ritalin.
(Apparently, in cancer patients it has a strong effect on motivation.)

So how goes it? Well I've been on it for a week and some days I'm rearing to go. But days, like today, I'm back to zero motivation. Now it could be partially weather related. (It is 10 below zero outside) but that only explains the things that require going out of doors. It doesn't explain my not wanting to clean or play.

I was considering calling my doctor when they beat me to it! I talked with the head nurse, explaining all my sleeping habits and medicine habits. After all that was gone over, she suggested staying on the Ritalin for one more week. If I don't see any results, then they'll consider upping my dose.

I'm not really sure how I feel about that. However, I have come to realize that anything that can help motivate me out of this slump is worth it.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Baby on the Brain

I'm sure you all remember when I posted the really downer news that my doctors said I'll most likely never have any more kids.
That devastated me...

As treatments continued, I learned that eggs could be frozen for future use. I felt totally jipped. Why hadn't they told me about that before starting treatments? I would have jumped at the chance!! Having kids has been so important to me! My whole life, I've dreamed of hearing 4 pairs of little feet running around my house.

Well now that I'm  98% clear of my cancer, after a little less than a year, I wonder if that option is open to me again. It's something I strongly feel asking my doctor about.

As I've said before, why would God give this dream to me, and also the same to my loving husband, only to take it away?

God knows my hopes and dreams, and I trust Him with them. Even so, I ask that you all pay with me that somehow my dream of more kids will be realized!
Thank you all! Love you! God bless :)

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Incredible Results

The other day I had a CT off my lungs and an MRI of my head. Today was results day complete with before and after pictures.
The news: I'm 98% clear in both my brain and lungs! Again the doctor was amazed at the results. He said it was great news especially considering that I haven't been treated for a full year yet.
I looked at him and repeated what I tell him at the end of every appointment, "I told you I have this thing beat!".
All I can do is thank God for his blessings and healing hand! With Him ALL things are possible. And by His stripes we ARE healed! (Wish I knew the verses)
Of course I have all of you too thank too. For standing by me in prayer. For fighting alongside me in this battle. Without your prayers and support I don't where I'd be.

The fight may not be over, but we're on the winning side!

Friday, September 26, 2014

Hairy Disappointed

Today I decided to take a peek at the back of my head using a small compact mirror and the bathroom mirror. What I saw shocked me... reflecting back at me was a head sporting thick patches here and there with thin hair in between. Still with the 3rd eye Keith used to tease me about. I had been told that my hair was becoming thick and full in the back by several people.

Looking at the back of my head I wondered if they really could have been referring to me. I'm not going to lie. The thought did cross my mind that maybe they lied. But these were people I trusted... why would they lie?

Society has put so much pressure on people to look a certain way. Your clothes must be on trend. Shoes must be stylish. Make up and nails just so. And hair must be coiffed perfectly. What does that make in the end but an empty shell? Still it is nice to have all those ducks in a row. Who wouldn't want to be stylish and trendy in every way?

Still, I always have, and always will be, a firm believer in the saying, "what's inside counts more than the outside". The inside of a person is, and should be, weighed more heavily. Judged more closely. For that is where true inner beauty lies.

Even so, it's still difficult for me not to get caught up in the hype. I want to have hair! I want to be able to do all the trendy hair styles I see in magazines, TV, and stores I frequent. I want beautiful, flowing locks to use trendy new hair products on.

When I went through full brain radiation, I was told my hair may never grow back. I can at least acknowledge that I am blessed to have hair growing back, no matter how bad it may look.

I'm just waiting for the day when I have hair to be proud of again. Although, I'm doing it rather impatiently it seems. (Something me and God need to work on.) I need to remember that good things come to those who wait.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Hoping for Hair

Got my hair cut today for the second time!
Nothing has changed hair wise. Yet...

The lady who cut my hair today told me about a client she has. This client had a difficult time getting her hair to grow back after chemo. But she found this vitamin next to men's rogain that helped her hair come back full and thick.
The hairdresser told me the results were incredible! So, I went to the store and picked myself up a box. Took my first dose earlier this evening!
Now I wait. There's 60 tablets all total. So it should take approx 2 months... right? I guess we'll see.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

The Joy's of Being Pampered

I'm 29 and up until a few days ago I've never had a Manicure/pedicure. How I managed to go so long without succumbing to this time old ritual, I have no idea. So what prompted me to get one recently? Well, I've heard that they feel fantastic, for one. For 2, I felt like being adventurous and trying something new. People are constantly telling me that I should take some time to pamper myself. I figured what better way to accomplish all that than by getting a mani/pedi .
So, I asked my husbands boss if she could recommend a place. I called the recommended salon up and made my appointment! I waited excitedly for the day to arrive. I was excited to see what all the fuss what about, because all I've ever heard is how wonderful they are. The day finally arrived and I felt a thrill of excitement go through me as I typed in the address to my GPS. I arrived right on time. Walking through the door of the salon, I was impressed. I expected it to smell like nail polish. But instead it smelled of lotions and perfumes. I sat on an overly stuffed chair sipping a glass of water when the lady came to take me for my pedicure. I'm sure you all know what goes on during one, so I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say, I enjoyed it a lot! Next were the finger nails. The lady cut them and shaped them. Painted them and then told me to let them dry. I asked how long and she gave an indifferent reply. I sat there at the table alone in the room, staring at my nails... Finally, I couldn't stand the waiting any longer and I made my way to the receptionist. I paid, what I felt, was an outrageous amount of money. All they did was massage my feet and hands and paint my nails!
I went out to my car. Got inside. Put my seatbelt on. And in doing so, I ruined on of my nails! I hadn't even left the parking lot and I had ruined my manicure!
This is what I concluded: mani/Pedi's are really nice for special occasions. But ridiculous to get on a regular basis. I thoroughly enjoyed being pampered, but I would rather spend $6 bucks on nail polish and paint my own nails, than shell out that kind of cash for something that doesn't even last.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Oh to tan!

In the past tanning was not an issue. I'd go out in the sun all day and not care! Of course I would use sunscreen, but it wouldn't prevent the great tan!
Well now that I'm sick and taking chemo, I can kiss the natural tan goodbye. :( I'm only allowed 15 minutes in the sun. Then it's sunscreen spf 30. I have to be extremely careful in the sun now...
So, what's a girl to do?
Well, this girl decided to take a risk and do an at home spray tan from neutrogena. Yep. I said it! I could turn orange... I'll take a picture once it sets. Needles to say, I'm hoping for the best.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Check in

I realize it's been a while since I posted, I apologize. I've never been one to journal or write about myself.
Life has become more routine. I have more energy and more motivation. I go to the doctor once a month for blood work. Every three months now for scans, tests and to see my oncologist.
I am now allowed to drive up to a 2 mile radius from my home by myself. Farther if someone is with me and I'm not on pain meds.
My hair is starting to come back :) slowly, but surely. I have most of it in except for  at the top. There's hair, it's just more thin. I got my hair cut today for the first time since going bald. It felt unreal walking into the salon and putting my name down on the list. I sat in the chair unsure what the hair dresser would do. I mean, let's face it, my hair was maybe an inch long. How much can you do with that?
She sat me down, wet my hair and started working her magic. She was able to trim my hair into an actual style (if you can call it that, it's so short).
I still have that dark patch of hair on the back of my head. The hair dresser and I are planning on dying my hair to match if the color doesn't even out. :p
I just had a doctors appointment. It went really well! Things are continuing to clear up and improve! I'm so blessed to have all of you praying for me! I couldn't do this without them.. And consequently without you. God is good all the time! I am blessed to have Him on my side fighting with me. By His stripes I am healed! Amen
God bless you all! I'll do my best to post more regularly :)

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

God Never Ceases to Surprise

Remember my writing that I had been put on antidepressants? Well the other part to compliment the drugs was for me to go to counseling.
Today was my second appointment. And so far, I really like my counselor! She herself is a breast cancer survivor. So she can relate really well with what I'm going through. She encourages Keith to join in our sessions, because she wants to make sure he's still handling everything ok. She made the comment, "after all, you are a team".
But the thing I love the most about this counselor is that she is a strong Christian! At the end of our session today she asked if she could pray for us, and with us. Of course I said yes! So, right then and there, she stopped, bowed her head and prayed for us!
Isn't God just full of surprises!?
My non-believing doctor and his staff picked this counselor out for me. They picked her because she is a cancer survivor.
How blessed am I? A cancer survivor and a Christian! I'm pretty happy right now :)

Monday, March 31, 2014

Like Riding a Bike

I recently received permission from my doctor to drive! Granted I'm only allowed to drive short distances. And I have to drive with Keith. It feels like Drivers Ed all over again. :p

Yesterday I drove my car for the first time in 6 months! I sat behind the steering wheel hoping and praying that driving would be like riding a bike. Everything would come back naturally.

Granted I only drive a couple blocks, but I didn't do half bad! I was so happy to find that it was like riding a bike! OK, so I almost hit a small pole. And my park job was a little lacking. But I did it! And all 3 of us are in one piece, (so is the car)!

I'm excited to drive some more! Watch out people! I'm back on the road!!

Monday, March 24, 2014

"The Third Eye"

I think I mentioned that my hair was starting to grow back. Well, here is a shot of my progress :)

Needless to say, it's coming in very patchy! I have pretty much no hair on too of my head. Although that is starting to change :) Keith jokingly refers to my dark patch on the back of my head as my "third eye". Lol

I just have that one song line running through my head, "she's a very freaky girl" :p

Friday, March 14, 2014

Unbelievable Results

Looking back on when this all started, I can still see my doctors expression when he told me I had stage 4 lung cancer. I can still see the look of sadness as he told me I had 6-8 years to live. I never thought I'd see that look of shock again.

Well, today I saw it again but for different reasons. The news I got today shocked everyone! My doctor pulled up side by side images from yesterday and 2 months ago (when I started the chemo pills). They didn't look like the same person! One was all polka dotted with cancer cells of all sizes. The other was so clean and clear. Not perfectly clear, mind you. But clear enough to floor the doctor and make him speechless! He said, "I've never seen anything like this before! Your lungs should not look like this after just 2 months! It's amazing!"

Needless to say, I'm ecstatic! To hear news like that makes me want to fight even harder!

Now I'll always be considered stage 4. But there's a very good chance now that I could be considered, in the future, as stage 4 NND (no noticeable disease). or in simpler terms, remission.

I've said since the very beginning, "I've got this beat! My body just doesn't know it yet!" Well my body is starting to figure it out!

Praise be to God for his continued faithfulness! God bless you all! Thank you for all your prayers and support! :D

Thursday, March 13, 2014

CT check up

Went in today for a CT scan to check my progress with the chemo pills. I'm happy to report that I was able to keep the contrast down this time :) tomorrow we will find out the results. Tomorrow I will update you :) have a good night everyone! God bless!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Seeking council

Lately after several weeks of mood swings, crying and unbelievable anger, I was put on anti depressants and told to get counseling. Been on the antidepressants for a week and feel a little more in control. And just set up my first counseling  appointment for Tuesday the 11th. Maybe I'll start feeling a little more stable  :) I don't like the idea of being on these meds. I have to keep telling myself it's  not forever. And if it will help me I should be open minded. I'll keep you all posted :)

Friday, February 21, 2014

Hoping for Answers

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've been extremely upset lately. I've been a basket case and have felt very anti social, very useless, alone and bored. I don't want to talk and i don't want to be touched. I want to be alone! So, I called the doctor and left a message. My son, unfortunately has taken the brunt of my anger and anxiety. I am always yelling at him. And have had thoughts that I should be turned in for. Hopefully the doctor will have some answers for me. Hopefully they can help me out if this funk. Hopefully I can return to normal soon.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

So mad!!!

I don't know what my deal is. But lately, I've been blinding, rage type of mad! Everything just ticks me off! And if I'm not raging, blinding mad, I'm crying my eyes out. I'm a hormonal mess all over again! And no steroids :( Lord help me! Give me grace overflowing! I can't do this without you! I need your strength to see me through this night!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Hair it comes! :p

Last night as I was getting ready for bed I realized something strange on my head. It took me a second to realize it was hair!! I'm growing hair! It's patchy, and coming in kind of 2 different colors (blonde with brunette patches) , but it's there! And it's mine! Things are looking up! :D

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Sounds Good

Just got lab results back from the doctor. Everything is looking really good! All my levels have lowered to closer to where they should be! And he said my lungs sound amazing!

I do need to get a scan of my brain just to make sure everything is still ok.  I've been having some vision issues that he believes are a side effect of the chemo pill. But just to be on the safe side he wants a scan. I can't argue with that. 

Anyway, he also says I need to back off with what I'm doing at home chore wise. He said I'm taking on too much too fast. Looks like I'll be reigning it in some for a while!

On a more positive note, I'm being eased off of my daily pain med! If I can get off of it completely I can drive again! Hooray!

So that's my little update for you all!
Thank you for the prayers and support! God bless :)

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Buzz me, please :)

I am bald. There's no way around it. There is no need for me to go to a salon to even get shaved. However, there seems to be one exception to this. For some reason the hair at the nape of my neck likes to grow.
It's actually kinda of funny if you can picture it. Two little, nickel sized patches of hair at the nape of my neck. Just chillin'. My own weird sort of mullet. :p
Anyway, I noticed these mullet patches were growing and looking kinda funky. After commenting on it to Keith, I very calmly asked him to "buzz" them for me.
I've seen the pictures of cancer patients getting a "buzz" cut from significant others, or family members. But I never pictured myself as being one of them. It was surreal feeling him take the trimmer to those small patches on my neck. All those pictures I've seen passed before my eyes.  But they were quickly replaced with 'thank goodness the mullet is gone!'. (After all, it took him all of 30 seconds to complete the task.)
The one last thing that I was left thinking was, 'wow! What an incredible husband I have!'. I love him so much <3

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Feeling Better

These past few days have been rough. For the past 2 nights I have been fighting really bad nausea. Yes, even tossing my cookies repeatedly. I took every anti nausea med I had and was still sick! I was so exhausted Saturday that I forgot to take my pain pill, which just added to the misery I was in.
Thank goodness for my wonderful, amazingly incredible husband, who not only made me homemade chicken soup, but took care of Johnny all day! Did I mention he managed to do some work too!? The man never ceases to amaze me! God truly blessed me with him! I don't think I would be feeling better if he hadn't stepped in to let me rest. Thank you baby!

Thursday, January 30, 2014

A Psalm

"Death wrapped its ropes around me;
The terrors of the gave overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
'please, Lord, save me!'
How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
Let my soul be at rest again,
For the Lord has been good to me.
He had saved me from death,
My eyes from tears,
My feet from stumbling.
And so I walk in the Lord's presence
As I live here on earth!

Psalm 116:3-9

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Quality Time

This weekend my husband and father-in-law are rewiring parts of our house. Meaning that we temporarily have no electronics. No TV. No internet. No radio our CD players. It's back to basics for my son and I. :) getting some quality time with my boy. Thankful that I have the energy to entertain and keep up with him!!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Packing it On

Had a good doctors appointment today! Highlight: I am now 10 pounds closer to my weight goal! I don't know how I did it, but I managed to gain 7 pounds in a week!! :) if I keep up this pace, I'll be back to my normal self in 2 weeks :p

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Coffee time

Decided today to have a cup of delicious coffee! And it was exactly that: delicious!! I think this calls for a new morning routine: Shower, coffee, then curl up with a blanket and do devotions. Before the 'craziness' (:p) of the my day starts.
Yep that sounds worth a try :)

Friday, January 17, 2014

Had a bone treatment yesterday afternoon and wasn't quite sure what to expect. After the majority of them, I'm usually too tired to think. Today, while I may not be at my most witty, I feel more awake and like being part of society. :)
Now if I could just get my son to turn this one toy off, the day would be much better :p

Monday, January 13, 2014

I Dreamed a Dream

My entire life I have had specific goals and dreams for myself. You know, like the cute house, SUV, dog, handsome husband and 4 kids. I also wanted to get my nursing degree and work in a hospital, with ambitions of school nursing so I could be home with my kiddos. Now I'm being told that more than likely a few of the dreams won't come true. I.e. having more kids. I know some of you will say, "there is always adoption". Which you're absolutely right. And Keith and I would love to adopt! But he and I aren't sure that I would qualify because of the cancer. Its just been on my mind a lot lately because everyone is having babies or getting pregnant. It's challenging to read the posts for once. :( why would God still have a dream seem so plausible, and within reach,  if it's not??

Friday, January 10, 2014

Finally on 'the pill'!... :l

Today is my first official day on the chemo pills. It was a rough start :( I took my first dose this morning along with some pain meds and my antibiotics. (yes i had breakfast first) And about 45 minutes later I was sick. I'm sincerely hoping that I was sick because I took it all at once. So, tonight I made sure to take nausea meds first, and then the everything else had 15 minute gaps in between. Now my stomach and I wait in awkward suspense... Will this do the trick? Our will I be sick again? :(

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Kicking Butt

Exciting News!

Just received word that Stephanie's scans came back with some very hopeful and positive news. Scans showed a 50% decrease in size in the lymph nodes and  lung. Also, the cells in the upper lobes have decreased in size.. Praise God for this encouraging news. Stephanie is kicking booty for sure. She said she had this cancer beat, but her body just didn't know it. Today, we are seeing just how strong this gal is.. Keep up the great work Stephanie! We are just so amazed at your strength, positive attitude, and absolute fierce determination in this battle.. Please all keep up the prayers and support her in any way you can! Love you bunches sweet Cousin..


"With God all things are possible!"

Monday, January 6, 2014

Wishing I was home snug as a bug in this -39 below weather. But alas, I an up bright and early at the hospital for scans and tests. Tomorrow I will find out the results and see how I an responding to tangents. Of course they will see how I have done a great job already kicking cancer butt! I'm exited to hear the results! :) oh, and I'm also excited to see how much weight I've gained!  Keep you all posted! God bless and stay warm! :)